Tampons are the best invention since sliced bread. I love tampons. They are in the same category for me as can openers, potato peelers, cutlery, remote controls, scissors and tweezers. If it weren't for tampons I'd be a mess. Literally. I'd have blood streaming down my legs!
If I had to choose between my children and a box of tampons...............I'd choose my children! But I wouldn't be happy about it.
Some people are lucky. Some people don't even know they are menstruating when they are. My period is like a talking shadow. It follows me around all day, everyday for five plus days making its presence very well known. She talks like Fran Dresher in The Nanny:
"Oh Hi! What are you doing today? Really? You were planning to wear those white pants today? Hahahhah! Not any more! Oh were you going to go swimming today? At the beach? (cringes). Well I wouldn't you know because....Have you seen Jaws?"
I envy girls who menstruate for three days. I envy girls who can leave the house on day one and two without fear that they'll mess themselves or quite literally, paint the town red.
I envy girls who can suffice with just a thin sanitary pad to catch their flow and I envy girls who don't feel any pain at all. But I quite honestly hate girls who claim to like their periods. Girls who say I'll miss her when she's gone.
To those girls I raise a blood stained middle finger and thank the ancient Egyptians for inventing tampons!
"Oh my God! You're bleeding from your vagina."
"Am I? Oh my God. I am! What should I do? What should I doooooo?"
"I know! You should put a plug in it."
"A plug. A white compacted cotton plug."
"A white compacted cotton plug?"
"Yes. Shove it right up your vagina."
"Up my vagina?"
"Yes. Up your vagina."
"But what if it gets stuck?"
"Don't worry. We'll put a string on it."
"Yes string. Then you can just yank it out when it's full."
"How will I know when it's full?"
"What if the string breaks?"
"But what if it does?"
I hate tampons and I'll tell you why. There are two reasons:
Reason number 1: Mr Neighbour. My Form two teacher who put a tampon in his cup of coffee to show how it soaked up liquid. He dropped the nice white tampon into his coffee (white with one sugar) and let it sit in there. When he pulled it out it was ginourmous. Sagging under the weight of the brown coffee. Scarred me for life.
Reason number 2: Girlfriend and Dolly magazines. It seemed every month there was an article about a girl who left her tampon in and DIED. Yes. DIED. Scarred me for life.
I hate tampons. They're weird and they can kill you.