When I was younger it was easier to get what I wanted. I could simply put it on my Christmas list and write a nice letter to Santa and shazam! If it was realistically priced it would pretty much always end up under the tree on the big day.
As I got older it was boys. If I liked a guy for whatever reason, found them handsome or funny, I'd clam up. I'd be so in awe of them that I'd ignore them or even act like a bitchy little snob if they spoke to me. I wouldn't even manage to make friends with them - are you kidding? how can you even talk to someone you are in awe of! This behaviour continued into my late teens and early 20's where it was pretty much impossible for me to talk to any guy I found attractive or interesting. Though eventually I turned to alcohol, which did me no favours. It there is anything worse than clamming up in awe, it's drunken awe being released via a torrent of verbal diarrhoea.
I've always had a thing for musicians. I had huge mega crushes on minstrels and troubadours who not only make sweet sounds but also pen romantic verses to match. How many musicians have I dated? Zero! Why? Because I was so freaking busy being in a state of awe of them that I placed them on a huge pedestal. I made them into Gods in my head because I really liked what they did. Instead of just waltzing on up to them and saying "hey, that's a really cool song" and talking to like a normal human, I stood back in awe and wished I had more nerve. To make it even more ridiculous I too was a musician and a poet so I would have had plenty to talk about. But the awe made me feel less than. It made what I had to offer seem worthless and uninteresting. Eventually the awe around creating music became too great and I stopped all together.
A lot of times if I discovered something that I wanted to achieve, something that I thought would be fun or cool, something I enjoyed, I'd amp it up so much in my head that it became too over inflated in my mind to even conquer. Or I'd over think it. I'd knit pick at the idea or my ability to complete the project and then fall victim to analysis paralysis. I'd give up and let the awe win.
If I did for some strange reason develop the nerve to strive for something I was in awe of, my anxiety disorder would usually kick in to sabotage the attempt. After I attended Performing Arts School I auditioned for Drama School - twice. Both times I freaked out because I had spent years putting the school in question in a big bubble of awe (though to be fair this particular school spends quite a lot of time doing that for itself too!). My first audition wasn't too bad but my second was just appalling. I did not follow the tutor's direction at all. Why? Because I was too busy being completely awestruck by the head tutors to even listen to what they were saying. The fact that I was even allowed inside this prestigious drama school was enough to make make head explode! During my audition all I could think about was how amazing the Head of Acting was in the last film I had seen her in and all the amazing actors who had attended the school. Basically I dropped the ball. Needless to say I didn't even get a call back. Not once.
Making friends has always been another area where awe has sabotaged me. When I was younger I'd see people with cool shoes or a nifty pen and I'd want to say "Hey, cool shoes! We've got the same taste". But instead I'd say nothing at all. I'd sit and I'd try to work up the courage and then after a while I'd be too awestruck to say anything coherent. I'd just end up snort laughing or something. At one point in high school, i remember purposely sitting next to people I thought were nerds, just because I felt no pressure with them. I felt like I could totally be myself. Which was sad. Not because they were nerds, that's beside the point, but because I thought they were nerds, thus safe. In my head they were not quite cool enough so I felt right at home. My opinion of myself was pretty low if I thought I belonged with people I didn't rate very highly. Thank god I grew out of this awe faze!
Awe has also kept me from making close connections with older relatives. I'd been brought up to respect my elders so I did. Too much. I respected them so much I could barely talk to them about anything of value. The same goes with any older (over 65) people really. I can't relax and be myself around them. I wonder haw many amazing life stories and lessons I have missed out on due to this.
I remember seeing an interview with Jack White (who I am eternally in awe of god damn it) on Conan O'Brien. He was talking about how he'd bought a new house in Nashville and it needed a bit of work and that Bob Dylan was fixing his gate cus he now does welding (or something to that effect). I could not believe it. Not about the welding part, that didn't surprise me. It was the fact that Jack White was friends enough with Bob Dylan for him to fix his gate! I mean he's Bob freaking Dylan! How can you ever get past that fact and move on to a cup of tea and "hey Jack, I'll fix your gate". I don't know if I could ever talk casually with someone I admire. Which is sad.
That's when it dawned on me how awful awe can be. I realised that my awe issues ran deeper than shyness. They ran deeper than thinking someone was cool and wishing I had the guts to say so. My issues with placing amazing things up high on a metaphoric pedestal stemmed from that fact that I did not place myself on one. I'd did and still sometimes do, struggle with low self esteem. For some reason I find myself undeserving of good things. Somewhere along the way I started to believe that I don't deserve good things in my life, that all the things I deem to be amazing are too good for me. This is wrong. I do. I want great things and I'll be damned if I am going to live my life not getting what I want! From now on, I'm putting myself up on that pedestal and no one else.
I am sick of living my life in awe. No woman is an island. I want to surround myself with people I think are awesome. I don't want to push them away or fear them. I want to work with them, support them and collaborate with them. The truth is most people don't know they are awesome, so it's nice to tell people when you think so. I want to strive for things I want to achieve. I don't want to psyche myself out or subconsciously will myself to fail! I want to win.
Life is too short to spend it lurking in the shadows. Go after what you want. Befriend people you admire. You're worth it.
Let's be in awe of ourselves!