However, while I still know this, every time I open a magazine or paper, I flip to the horoscope section and check out what lies in store for me. I'm always left feeling rather let down by the predictions and tips for my up coming month. They are always too vague, too boring! Too safe. I want action! I want drama!
So I've compiled a selection of Horror-scopes to blow all other horoscopes out of the water! Enjoy!
Be very weary of all people named Sarah, James, Max, Mark, Claire, Ben, Scott, Doug, Glen, Rachel, Simon and Stacey. They are trying to kill you.
Ah Gemini. The twins. The split personality of the horrorscope. Don't you get sick of always hearing two voices in your head? It must be very frustrating always hearing the prattle prattle of multiple thoughts in your head at once. And it must be even harder keeping them quiet and not verbally telling the voices to shut up. Well fight no longer! It's about time you started talking to yourself! Why fight it? Go on have a good chin wag with yourself while walking down the street. No one will even notice! Well if they do, they might just put you in a nice soft white room all by yourself. Even better! Then you can talk in private!
Hmm, stay away from water. Yes water. In fact for the next three months do not go swimming. At all. I don't care how hot it is. Just stay away. In fact don't even shower or have a bath. Why? Because I said so.
With a sign like this you should really quit smoking. You should eat only raw food. You should also check your breasts for lumps all the time. Like ALL the time. On the bus. Walking down the street and at work. It's easier if you just rip off your shirt to the flesh and go for it. All the time. It's for your health after all.
You are a lion. A wild beast. You must embrace your inner lion and use any opportunity to let out a guttural roar. A great time to do this is mid coitus. Rip out a lion roar when you finally have sex with that hot guy you met on Tinder. He'll love it!
You are one with nature. And lately you are starting to look like it. Ever heard of a razor? You look like you could join a family of primates. But that's cool. Whatever floats your boat. Seeing as you are a Virgo, you are probably busy writing to do lists in the jungle. Just put the pad and pen down and go pick some nits off the backs of your new siblings.
You've always liked being naked. In fact you look better naked than you do in clothes! It's time to peel back those layers and embrace your nude self! That's right! become a nudist! Your kids won't care. You won't embarrass them at all turning up at the school gate buck naked. They'll be proud to have a parent that is so in touch with their natural self. But just to show all the kids you are hip, perhaps perform a little naked twerking. Just like Miley would.
Scorpio the fire crotch. If you don't have ginger pubes then you have lice. Shave it all off and set fire to your groin.
Oh my god. Just shut up! You talk too much. And you never listen. Even while you are not talking you are thinking really loud. Just stop. And use your ears. Also, take up cross stitch.
I see spandex! The tighter the better! A spandex onesie! In electric pink. Wear it with a super tight, teeny weeny thong and nothing else. Go on. You know you want to! It'll look great. You'll make heads turn and even start a new trend. Go on, don't hold back. Who said there was anything wrong with camel toe?
Aquarius. People always assume you are a water sign. But they are wrong. You are an air sign. That is why you have such a problem with flatulence! You must be careful to always sleep with a window open or you may accidentally gas yourself to death in your sleep! Some people think that your fart problem is unfortunate but really it helps you out. You don't like people that much so when they annoy you: poof! You rip one out. And your farts are so toxic they can clear a room of 50 people in seconds. Do remember though, while stinky farts are highly amusing to the farter, the fartee (victim of stench) is not so amused. You may soon find yourself all alone and farting and sniffing repetitively.
Wow! You really are a fish lady! How long has it been since you took a bath? I can smell you from here! Have you got a whole makrel up your gooch or something?! C'mon you're stinking up the joint! Go have a hot bath and add to it half a cup of white vinegar, half a cup of Epsom salts and few drops of your favourite bath oil. That should get the stink out, but who knows.
Oh and don't you just love these crazy 1950s movie posters!? Here's one more fantastic one: