One day a cackle of us girls were sitting around hard at work (gossiping) when the conversation once again turned to sex. Well menstruation to be exact. We were all having a bitch and a moan about the whole thing when a younger girl called Suskia, who was slightly new to the office, suddenly blurted out "Argh, periods are so annoying! My boyfriend hates the mess, so we have to have sex the other way, if you know what I mean" She winked. The wink though was met with nothing but our shocked expressions. Oh my God, our faces read; did she mean?..
"You know, anal," she blurted. A stunned silence fell upon the cubical.
"What?.....Don't you guys do anal?" She stammered
"Ummmm" I babbled not sure of what to say.
"Well you should! It's amazing!" She exclaimed.
Then just as quickly as she had confessed to the last girl-goss taboo, she spun around on her chair and started tapping away at her keyboard. I could not get over how nonchalant she was about the whole thing.
The stir Suskia caused in the office that day was huge. At first everyone kept their distance. They were taken aback with her honesty. And even I, who am quite honest about most things, struggled with this little chestnut; for I am almost sure that when Moses read out the commandments from the great rock he left one out - 'Commandment number 11: If thy must partake in anal sex, thou must never, ever admit to it, especially not to thy work friends!' It is just not done. But why? What is the big deal? What is so wrong with admitting to anal sex? And dear god, even admitting that you (gasp!) like it.
So why is it so taboo that we can't even talk about it, girl-to-girl? Is it dirty? Naughty? And if so, is that the alluring appeal that makes 1 in 4 women have a go? Could it be that we feel like we've been coaxed into it by our partners as a way to please them. Instead of choosing to partake in anal for our own pleasure, we feel like we've 'given in' and let them have their way with our bums. Perhaps it is that shame of somehow being seen as an anti-feminist, that keeps anal-loving-ladies tight lipped. It could also be the religious connotations. According to this website, anal sex even between married Christian couples is a sin. But the same website also genuinely answers the question "Can angels have sex with people?" So I wouldn't put too much stock in what they have to say.
Perhaps if we do feel like we're 'giving our bums over' to our lovers, we are also psychologically closing ourselves off to the potential pleasure anal sex can bring. The anus contains a huge number of nerve endings making the area highly sensitive to stimulation. When stimulation of the clitoris and G-spot are also achieved during anal penetration, the orgasms can be extreme. The following is an exert from Wikipedia:
Women who experienced orgasm during anal sex accompanied by direct stimulation of one or more of the other erogenous zones described it as more of a full-body experience compared to orgasm from direct clitoral stimulation alone.
So there you have it. Anal sex has the potential to be hugely pleasurable for women, if we dare to open ourselves up to it (pun intended).
After a few weeks in the office though, some of the girls started to get curious. It began as a gentle stirring. Then gradually got louder. The conversation in the cubical started turning to sex more and more, until one day Tina, one of the shyer girls, finally blurted out, "So Suskia, when you say amazing. what exactly do you mean?"
After that it was all on. All the questions and curiosities we'd been quietly harbouring, were released amongst coffee and Tim-Tams in our cubical of smut. Suskia, our new found sexpert talked us through the ins-and-outs of anal sex (pun intended). She gave us all the gory details. And of course the good ones. Multiple orgasms. And when I say orgasm, I mean 'Oh my God-gasm', all from just opening your mind up, to the out-hole. So what did we ask her? Behold:
(Caution: Suskia has a mouth like a trucker)
"Does it hurt?"
Her answer: "No! Not if you use plenty of lube and you relax your muscles. The more relaxed you are the better it will feel. If you try to go at it without lube and you're all tensed up sure, it'll hurt. Make sure you're aroused first, you know, ready to roll and all. Otherwise it'll feel like you're taking a shit backwards."
"So what are the orgasms like?"
Her answer: "In-fucking-sane. Out of body experiences. Mind numbing. Drool inducing. Insane."
"How do you have the multiple orgasms?"
Her answer: "Use a vibrator at the same time. Ah mazing!"
"But I don't have one!" wailed Tina.
"Honey really?...Then use your fingers. It's all about pressure. I guess, if you're up for it, you could use another guy?" Suskia smiled and winked.
Tina's eyes then widened so big I thought they may pop out of her head.
"What positions are best?"
Her answer: "Try lots of different ones until you get it right. Each to their own. Though remember, anal sex is nothing like it is in porn movies. Pile Driver and Reverse Cowboy are positions just for show, though who knows, you may like em."
N.B: You could check out this site for ideas.
"What if your boyfriend wants to do it and you're not into it?"
Her answer: "Do it because you want to try it. Don't do it to please him. Take your pleasure into your own hands. It is for you as much as him. Use him. Make it yours. Tell him what you want him to do to make it enjoyable. Don't do it if you really don't want to. And if it is uncomfortable, stop."
"When in a relationship, should you try anal?"
Her answer: "I'd give it a while. You want to be comfortable with them you know. It may seem funny, but I'd say anal is far more intimate than any other kind of sex. It's actually more of a sexual commitment than vaginal penetration. You need to love and trust each other totally, because inevitably, they're probably gonna get your poop on their dick. Only love can get past that!"
"Do you have to use a butt plug afterwards/does your poo fall out in the street?"
Her answer: "No! Are you fucking retarded? I do not use a butt plug! And no. My shit only comes out when I want it to.
All those people who say that their ass muscles got so weak their poo started to fall out are full of shit. (um, pun intended Suskia?) Maybe if your asshole is tough as leather and you let your man pound the heck out of it, sure it may damage your bum muscles. But otherwise no. Not that I've experienced."
"Can't you get like diseases from anal?"
Her answer: "Well yeah, just like you can from unsafe vaginal sex though. So like, don't be a dick. Use a condom. You can get infections if your ass rips open though, so don't go too rough. Which is why I reckon you should only have anal in a super, super serious relationship. Oh and don't let him put it back into your vag after it's been up your bum. It's gross and you can get urine infections and stuff."
After our crash course on all things anal, we were all very curious. As we went home to our boyfriends that night, Suskia had given us some homework. "Have a go," she'd said. "Just have a go."
The next morning we were all smiling. But not one of us uttered a word. That night we all went to Suskia's place for Friday drinks. There were heaps of people there, Suskia's best girlfriends, her boyfriend and some other people from work, not just our cubical clique. Somewhere along the way we all started to play the drinking game 'I have never'. When it's your turn, you think up something you have never done and you say it to the group; "I have never ridden a donkey," and whoever has ridden a donkey has to drink. The best way to play of course is to think of things that everyone has done, like "I have never kissed a boy," of course, you have to drink yourself, but so does everyone else. Eventually it was Tina's go. She thought long and hard and then a smile spread across her face and her eyes widened. "I have never had anal sex!" she blurted. Then, in front of everyone, she immediately took a huge, blatant gulp of her beer then giggled loudly. Silence. She looked around the circle. No one. Not even Suskia herself had taken a drink. We were all traitors. Tina's cheeks burned red. And Suskia's eyes darted around the circle anxiously at her "other friends". Not even sexpert Suskia was willing to own up to anal amongst her closest girlfriends.
I guess the moral of the story is: what is said in the cubical, stays in the cubical.
Penelope De Plume
Penelope De Plume is a writer of all things inappropriate. She is a former slapper, a failed actress, a burlesque dancer and also a mother, a wife and a sister.