Yep. That's the truth. I want nothing more than to be left the fuck alone. I want the lover-man and our two tiny doppelgängers to bugger off and leave me alone for at least a week. I want to unplug the phone. Perhaps stay inside for the whole week. I would even welcome a blizzard to block off all access to my home. Even cut the power. I. Want. To be. Left. ALONE.
It's not my fault. I'm an only child. I was always left in peace growing up. I had hours upon hours where I would happily play in my room, making puppets, drawing pictures or painting. Or I would dress up and roller-skate around the house. Regardless though, a lot of my time was filled happily in solitude. I had friends too. But when I came home I always had time out. To myself. I had my own room. No one up in my shit all the time. I had my own bed too! (I actually miss that occasionally). I'm sure sometimes I would get lonely. But I don't remember it. I guess in that sense, only-children are a tad spoilt. Spoilt in solitude; in that they struggle when thrown into family situations where they miss out on all that space they used to have.
These days I crave loneliness. I want to be so lonely so that I may take a crap in peace. Take my time with it. Perhaps even read a book during. Then I'd shower. Shower long and hard. Scrub the years of filth off my neglected body. Or better yet have a bath! The last time I tried to have a bath, two members of my family decided to come in and take a crap right there next to me. There I was, trying desperately to find some level of zen, with candles, essential oil, even a freaking guided meditation on my ipod, only to have myself doused in poo particles by my nearest and dearest. The worst part was that after I was rudely poo-bombed, two children somehow ended up in the tub with me. My soothing eye pillows turned quickly into 'boats', my relaxing candles extinguished, as I got out of the tub.
"Can't I just have a few minutes peace?!" I squawked at them all. Apparently not.
After bathing until my whole body goes wrinkly, I would clean my house. I know. Sad huh? But my house is so messy that I am pretty sure it is where MRSA was born. I actually really enjoy cleaning. It makes me feel like such a good person. And I can finally find things. It is a win-win. After cleaning the inside of my home I would attack my garden. I used to have a garden. For maybe a few months when we first bought our house; not long after that it all went to seed. The old lady who lived here before us was an avid gardener. She was a real champ. I am not a champ. I don't grow things. I kill things. But God loves a trier! I would at least love to clear the 'Day of the Triffids'-esque weeds from the yard. That way the boys could at play out there without fear that they'll be eaten by a Venus-fly-trap or something.
Paint. I would paint. I just can't seem to get my paint on when I have only an hour to do so. Because I don't have a studio space, I have to get all set up, only to hastily abandon my work as soon as the little one wakes up. Yeah I know. I am creating obstacles. But realistic obstacles, no?
Most of all though, if I was left alone for a week (or how ever long it took me to miss them) I would write. I would write soooo much. I could totally be that old crazy writer who lives in a cabin in the woods and goes slowly insane from it all. Ah bliss! I get that. I don't get how people can write in a group situation. That would really piss me off. I need to work alone. Once I start writing I cannot stop. When I am a little tired I'm even better at it. For some reason I have to be a tiny bit tired for my creative brain to flick on. And when it does flick on I'm on fire. The ideas! The excitement! Sometimes I am very tempted to nap in the day and write all night. Which is why I'd need to be left alone because when I am tired I'm a total bitch. The only thing I am good for is doing solitary tasks. Actually interacting with people? Hell no.
In all honesty, the thing I would most like to do is nothing. Not really nothing. But nothing in that sense that you are pissing around. No pressure. Just relaxed, peaceful, meandering. The best things come when you are in a peaceful state. Well, I'd like to think so, for the sake of this rant anyway.
I love my beautiful boys. They are the lights of my life but the thing is, I would really love to miss them for a change. I am sure it wouldn't take long. I bet I'd miss them a few minutes after they left. I'd sure like to find out though!
I guess the moral of the story is that everyone needs alone time. More so, spoilt only children; cus we are more important.