1. Seduction is the first rule of play. To seduce a man is not overly hard. First, dress like a fishing lure. In the case of fishing for men this means, expose either your boobs or your legs. Now, if you just want to attract a one night stand super quick, of course by all means expose both! But, if you actually enjoy the game of seduction and/or you’re fishing for a potential mate, then one of the two is all that is required. Secondly, master the hook. This involves selecting your victim, checking they are unattached to any other lady game players, then going in for the kill. Use eye contact, a subtle smile, some hair tossing and some casual laughter. Then take a walk-by, increasing eye contact and moving on to a seductive smile. If select victim does not approach after this, then he is either ‘not that into you’ or he is a pussy. If it is a case of the latter and you still really want a piece of that, then consider approaching him yourself. If you are not that direct, then how about casually striking up a conversation at the bar? Once you have them talking, keep them talking. Use charm and cheekiness. But most of all be confident and sure of yourself.
2. Do not attempt to select a victim whilst inebriated. Much like shopping for clothes whist drunk, is not wise. Your judgement will be impeded and you are more likely to forgive things you normally may not in a game partner. Stay relatively sober and in control of things. I made this mistake once. I didn't realise it but I was slightly more inebriated than I’d thought. I missed things. Little red flags that I didn’t pick up on before it was far far too late. I’d met a man, his name was Ben. Ben looked older than me but he told me he was 28 and I believed him. I didn’t notice at the time that he was greying around the temples. I also didn’t pick up on anything when he paid for the drink he’d offered me, with a handful of $2 coins.. It was only on our first official date that I realised that I was actually a bit drunk on our initial meeting. When I met him out front of my apartment he was obviously older than 28, more like 38, at least. Turned out he was 41, which is fine but I was 21. He took me to a bar and promptly ordered four large beers. I was confused. Were others joining us? Then he handed me my two beers. Oh, I thought. He wants to get me drunk. He thinks I’m a sure thing. He must have seen this thought processing across my face cus he quickly added “Just so we don’t have to keep getting up for more drinks.” I smiled and tried to make conversation, “So, what do you do?” He seemed almost offended at the question “I do a lot of things, I read, I cook, I garden, he trailed off. “Are you a gardener?” I asked. “Not really” he added. “So what do you do for a job?” “I sometimes do some painting” “Oh! Are you an artist?” “Oh no, no, I mean houses.” “Oh”. So…you don’t work?” He looked away and shook his head. It turned out he was a lifetime beneficiary, he had never worked a day in his life. But, there was more. After he made short work of his two beers he ordered himself two more and set onto them too. Not long after that, he was slurring his love for me, whist also trying to convince me he was a catch. “I can count all the bad things I’ve done on one hand!” Beaten someone up – one hand, Done heroin – one hand, stat rape – one hand, Prison – one hand. Not long after, he went to the bathroom and I ran for my life!
3. Don’t talk too much. Make them coax out the conversation. Do not blabber, make then do the work. Do not under any circumstances talk about shoes or shopping, unless of course they ask about your shoes. In which case I suspect he is actually after your guy friend and not you at all.
4. Practice the bunny in the road philosophy. For those who do not know the ancient story of the bunny in the road philosophy let me explain. Picture this: A cute little bunny is hopping across the road when a car comes tearing down said road, a young man behind the wheel. But instead of running for the side road, the bunny stays in the middle of the road, willing the young man to hit her. “Come and get me” she says desperately. The young boy in this situation will always stop dead to avoid hitting the bunny. However if the young bunny were to make a desperate dash to the side of the road to save herself the young boy would do everything in his power to squish said bunny with his mag wheels. The young man will always swerve to hit the bunny who tries to run away, and always swerve to miss the desperate bunny. So remember, don’t be the desperate bunny.
5. Don’t shag on the first date if you want there to be more dates. It is absolutely fine to shag on the first date if that is all you want. And sometimes that is - All. You. Want. Some guys are gorgeous but that may be all. I met one such guy out in town one night. He was deeelicious! A tall athletic hunk of bedtime fun, dressed in good jeans and a tightly fitting t-shirt. He waltzed into the bar and my jar dropped to my groin. Dear god I wanted to tap that. The coolest part was that he waltzed right up to me, smiled and asked me what I was drinking. Booya! I thought. The saddest thing was that his face was average and his personality (or lack thereof) was worse. My lady boner deflated. It turns out I am aroused more by words and charm than a six pack and good shoulders. Looking back I really should have tapped that. It would’ve been fun. Like riding the roller-coaster at Disney land. When I told a friend about him and how I’d thrown him back like a reject fishy, she gave me some fantastic advice on what do with a great body/average face kind of guy: “You should’ve just paper bagged him hun!” She’d said. Gold.
6. Do not practice the old rule of “If I don’t shave my legs I won’t sleep with him tonight”. It doesn’t work. Sometimes we just can’t help ourselves. It is no fun to have first time sex with someone when you look like a wookie. I’m all about body confidence regardless of how hairy you may be on a given day, but realistically, it’s hard to take charge of a lover when you’re sporting a bush like the amazon. No one wants to waste time trying to find their way through the jungle.
7. Never ever, double text. Double texting makes you look desperate. Guys do not like desperate girls (see rule one). If you are the type to get obsessive and possibly drunk dial, it may pay to delete their phone number after you text. That way there is no chance of double texting. Once you double text the chances of the man in question actually texting you back reduce by 50%.
8. Sisters before misters – always choose the girls over the boys. Always. It can only help with rule 4 and girls really are more fun anyway*
*until you meet The One that is, then they are more fun. Multiple orgasms are also fun, hence why when you meet The One you are likely to blow everyone off to see your beloved.
9. The trick is not to like them back. Funnily this usually only works when you actually don’t like them back, which makes it annoying when they like you for it and wont bugger off and leave you alone. This happened to me once. I was dating a Scottish guy who I really had no interest in. I wasn’t attracted to him at all but kept dating him because back then I placed far too much value on not being single. I was about to break up with him when a friend told me not to. “He really likes you!” she beamed. “He does?” I was dumbfounded. I thought we were just sleeping together till we both found someone better. “He likes you so much and he said that it kills him that you never call him back and that you blow him off sometimes to go out with the girls instead” she added. The reason I never called him back was because I didn’t want to and I went out with the girls instead. They were more fun! But when I heard that he’d said this to my friend, it triggered something in my head. “Maybe I do like him” I thought. So I didn’t break up with him. Over the next few weeks I changed my ways. I stopped blowing him off for the girls and I started calling him back. I let him stay over too - previously I’d kick him out at the end of the night. I even called him once to see if he wanted to come over. Low and behold, not surprisingly, after I finally stopped playing hard to get, he suddenly realised he wasn’t that interested in me any more and HE broke up with ME. I could not believe it. “Are you kidding me?” I shrieked down the phone (yes he also broke up with me over the phone!) I went off on a tangent about how typical it was that he was breaking up with me after I’d finally shown some interest in him. He said I was making things up. All I could do was scream “The trick is not to like them back!” about five times and then slam the phone down. I wasn’t upset. Just pissed off at myself for bothering with someone I didn’t even like.
10. Do not plan to stay friends after a break up. It just does not work. It is shitty and awful. Any guy who breaks up with you and wants to stay friends is a lying asshole. He doesn’t want to be friends. He is just softening the blow and keeping you around for a potential booty call. Unless you have no illusions that he will ever end up being 'the one' and you have no issues with being used for sex, don’t play into the 'staying friends' game.
N.B: It is fine to stay friends if the boy in question discovers he is gay and/or you never slept together.
11. Do not keep a shag buddy that you would like to be more than a shag buddy. If you end up with a shag buddy, good for you. The young gentleman who featured in rule 5 would've made a fantastic shag buddy. Why? For the very reasons that made me want to shag him and also not want to shag him. He was sexy and super athletic but I had no interest in having any kind of relationship with him. At all. We had nothing to talk about. In fact I don’t even know if he could talk. He hardly managed five words at a time. There was absolutely no chance of becoming attached. Never date a shag buddy. Do not go to the movies or out dinner. Just shag. Anything more will confuse the situation. A guy who asks to be your shag buddy is basically telling you he is not that into you, but he thinks you are sexy. Not all bad. But not all good either.
12. If a guy asks you out for a ‘beer’ it doesn’t mean he thinks you are just friends. I made this mistake once. I was sure that "catch up for a beer” was the international code word for “I like you as a friend, want to catch up?” I was wrong. When I got there he was all handsy and asked if I wanted to go away with him for the long weekend. I was totally un-expecting it. He wasn’t really my type, so I answered a fake phone call and excused myself as I “had to go and console my flatmate who had just broken up with her boyfriend.”
13. The final and most important rule. If and when you meet 'The One', all bets are off and all rules are void. There are no games to be played. Just be yourself and disregard all aforementioned rules. This is what happened when I met The One. I broke all the rules and so did he, and 10 years on, we couldn’t be happier.