A blatant waste of money and resources. Please never buy me a birthday card. Please save your money, or better yet, if you feel you must make some token Happy Birthday gesture, buy me some flowers. Sure, the flowers will die, but I assure you I will get much more joy watching them slowly decay than I will opening a store bought card, reading the 'To' and 'From' and throwing it in the recycling bin. Does anyone even keep birthday cards? Why would you? Excess stuff is hazardous to your mental clarity. Once the flowers are dead at least they will go into my compost bin and then contribute to the growing of my kale. Cards just fuck with the planet. I really don't like Birthday cards.
Why? Just why? Sure, it contains Vitamin B but only because they put it in in the lab! It tastes like yeast and salt. Yeast is basically candida. Yes. Candida is a yeast infection known as thrush which thrives in places like the vagina. You’re eating vag bacteria. Bon Appetite!
What’s the point of a step counter that doesn’t count swimming, squats, weight lifting, yoga or spin classes? Looks very cool on the wrist though!
Meant to be yum but really isn’t. It’s just fancy and novel because it used to live in the sea and looks a bit like one of those egg-laying creatures in Alien. Tastes like mushy bread.
A total douche-bag with too much money and limited talent. Though he may be the next President of the USA if Trumpy McDoouche-Face is anything to go by.
Hey I have a great idea! We live in the hilliest, windiest city in New Zealand with the narrowest, windiest roads, let’s encourage everyone to get on a bike and pick their way between parked cars and dicks who speed around corners going 60k! Great idea! It will help save the planet.
Oh no. Everybody died.
People who Hate Halloween
Just get fucked.
“I’d love to help you do this puzzle but I have some paint I have to watch dry.”
*See jigsaw puzzles.
Tastes like it was brewed in basket after being partially digested by cows. But it’s so hip right now!
People who Discriminate against Privileged, Entitled, White People
Discriminating against people born into privilege is still discrimination. Quit blogging about it and get out into the community and start treating everyone with the same level of kindness no matter their race, religion or creed. That could actually make a difference. Yes I understand that by claiming to hate the haters I am technically discriminating too. Must do better.
Were you dropped on your head as an infant?
New Year’s Eve
So much pressure to have fun and set awesome goals for the New Year that you end up drinking far too much and losing a jandal before passing out in the tent. Worst New Years Day ever!
Don’t get it. Find it boring. That is all.
Remakes of old films
Hey! Let’s take all the old films like Rocky Horror, Karate Kid and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and spend millions remaking them so that we can completely ruin the first film for those who grew up watching it! So much easier than writing a new film!
The Film 'Boy'
A black comedy about stuff that isn't actually funny. It's just sad. Think Once We're Warriors - as a comedy. Hell, why not make it a Broadway Musical too! Hmmm. Boy might actually work really well as a Broadway Musical. Someone tweet Taika!
Call me a retroist, but by using a kindle you are contributing to the death of the real book. I shake my head at thee.
Sounds good in theory but really just tastes like wax and sadness.
Getting a puppy
Just have a baby. They smell better and eventually stop shitting everywhere.
New Zealand Summer
The what now? This is not summer. Don't even try to convince me!