It may seem odd but when you think about it, labia reading is no different from phrenology, palm reading or nipple reading. All that’s required is a simple guide, a hand mirror, and well, some labia. Usually your own. But hey! Whatever flicks your bean!
Labia Reading: Getting started
Rip off yo’ panties! Yep. Underwear are not invited to the party! Get ‘em off and be free! Next up your going to want to find yourself a mirror. A full length dress mirror could be helpful but it’s better to use a hand mirror. Sometimes our labia minora (inner lips) can be a tad shy. With a hand mirror they have nowhere to hide!
The preferred stance for labia reading is that of a cowboy – spread those legs and bend those knees a little. If you do indeed have as for mentioned shy labia, this stance should coax ‘em out just enough so we can see what we’re working with. Do I have to stand? Yes! We need to see how our labia naturally fall whilst standing. If we’re seated in super wide stance our labia feel more relaxed and behave differently and the reading will be less accurate.
What Do You See?
Take a moment to appreciate your labia in all her glory. What do you see? Are your labia symmetrical or asymmetrical? Do they extend from the labia majora (outer lips) willingly or do they prefer to hide? Find the qualities that most match your labia down below.
Come out come out little labia! Sometimes our labia just feels better staying tucked up safe and sound right up inside those labia majora. That’s cool. No big deal. In fact it says a lot about her master. Do you prefer to stay home snuggled up safe and sound around your loved ones? Mmm hmm. I get you. There’s nothing wrong with being a home bod at all! It’s not like you never socialise. You just prefer to do so from the comfort of your own (wonderfully tranquil) home where you can control the environment, conversation and snacks. Home is where the heart is and you’ve made yours a sanctuary for you, your family and those lucky enough to be invited into your humble abode. Just be sure that you’re not missing out on awesome networking experiences due to your love for home and family! Or that you’re not using your sanctuary as a safe house from the big bad world. What are you trying to avoid?
The Peek-a-boo labia is a sneaky devil. She peeps out from her all seeing high view point, standing sentry to ensure there is no danger awaiting outside. You tend to keep people at arm’s length, requiring a long courting period before you allow people in to your inner circle of friends/family. But once they’re in, they’re in. It’s a blood oath. You don’t do acquaintances and you do not do small talk. Perhaps you’ve been burned in the past? Or in a past life? Either way, you’ve sworn never to be outfoxed again. You are super cautious to a fault. Ain’t no one gonna cross you! Remember though, a friend is the best gift you can give yourself! Don’t force yourself to miss out on the joy close friendships can bring.
She’s a little bit of a flirt this one. She shakes her hanky out just far enough to attract the sailors with her siren song. You’re a sly one you are. You’re comfortable is social situations but you don’t hog the microphone. You say more with your eyes than with words. You know just what to do to get their attention and once you have it 100 percent, that’s when you start to open up and lure them in further. But once you’ve got them hooked the allure is kinda gone. Oh well! Plenty more fish in the sea! Word of warning: Due to your cool and quiet nature, you may have been dubbed a “bitch.” This is simply because you don’t chatter away nonstop or grin like an idiot. A smile now and then will do wonders for your reputation!
Wo’wo’wow she’s a lady! She sassy and she’s proud. This lady’s got things to do and places to go. She’s awesome and she knows it! You’re a confident woman who knows what she wants and you are not afraid to go after it! You’ve got goals out the wazoo and every day you get one step closer to crossing them off your list of achievements! Just remember there’s more to life than ‘getting things done’. There’s family and there’s down time. You may see days off as waste of time but remember a little rest goes a long way!
Now that we’ve covered the basic traits that your labia indicate, let’s have a look at how your brain works. Grab that mirror and get even closer! We’re tugging those ladies out gals!
Pull your labia out straight. Are they the same length?
Left Side Longer
So, your left labia is an over achiever! She’s grown a little longer than her right sided twin. This means you predominantly use the right side of your brain – the creative side. I know what you’re thinking – I said my left was longer not the right! I know. The right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, hence helping yo’ lady bits grow longer on the left. Right brain dominant women tend to be creative, imaginative, intuitive and emotional. They consider the emotional side of a situation – empathising with everyone involved – before making a decision. They don’t use cold, hard logic to sway their choices.
Jobs: Healthcare (more the care part), teaching, the arts, wellness, social work, fitness.
Right Side Longer
If your right fanny flap is a bigger than your left, you are left brain dominant. This means you tend to research for all of the facts before making a calculated decision based on logic. If you were buying a winter coat, you’re more likely to think about longevity, the costs to the environment, and the quality of the fabric over say the colour of the buttons or whether it was worn by a Kardashian in the latest issue of Vogue.
Jobs: Medicine, law, business, science, finance, journalism (business/stock market writing) and IT.
Congratulations! This means you use both sides of your brain equally – the logical side and the creative side. You are balanced A F. You use both logic and emotion to make your decisions. You can empathise with people who are upset but you can also see the facts of the situation. So when your bestie comes to you crying because she “accidentally spent $500 on pair of shoes she can’t walk in” you offer support but can also offer logical words of advice to help her reassess her ways.
Jobs: Symmetrical women can take their pick of jobs – they use both sides of the brain so can excel in either logical or creative roles. Though, if they chose a logical profession it will have to have some room for them to express their creativity and vice versa.
If while perving at your labia you’ve noticed some other interesting qualities, you could have some extra super powers!
If your labia appears to have wiggly edges this is the sign of psychic abilities! That’s right. You are more intuitive than you think! To enhance your intuition, try meditating with a hand resting of your gooch. This will help recharge your root chakra and get those psychic juices flowing again!
If you’ve notices that your labia has darker edges than the pink inner skin, this means you are a natural healer. You have the gift of the light worker. Perhaps you’ve already been drawn to things that allow you to practice your gift? Massage, reiki, reflexology, acupuncture? When it comes to the healing arts you are a natural!
If you’re checking out your beaver and perplexed at just how expertly she folds in on herself, like an origami masterpiece, well, you are what we call an old soul. You and your vagina have lived many times over, each fold representing a life you’ve lived in the past. You have knowledge in your labia. Call upon it whenever you are in a bind and she will speak years of wisdom into your ears.
So there you have it! You labia is a magical beacon of light! A shining window into your soul! Love her, honour her and treat her right.