My internal monologue is cruel. I am a nasty bitch. I only see the negative. Nothing is good enough for my bitchy little brain. But this is all only directed at myself. Other people don't really register. I am generally quite kind when it comes to others but when it is about me? Sheesh! My brain is a real nit picking Nancy.
I have become a little kinder to myself recently once I was called out on my bullshit by those close to me. But occasionally I still suffer from 'the voices'. They get to me when I am at my most vulnerable. When I want something really bad they tell me "No, you can't have that cause you never get what you want, you are unlucky". They mess with my head, trying to get me to do nothing. To give up and rot on the couch in misery. Why? Why are they so mean? But the truth is, there is no 'They'. It's me. It is all me.
It could all be attributed to a fear of failing. Perhaps I am afraid of failing so therefore my negative voices are paving the path for failure. Breaking in the idea to make me accept that it is okay to just give up. Telling me it's okay to just stop. Why aim for so much? Just give up.
My voices of 'you suckiness' were at their peak when I was at drama school. Which is funny considering I was the thinnest I have ever been. Perhaps it stems from constantly competing with those around you? Whether it is for a part in the next show, or to look the thinnest, or to be noticed by the guest director. Whatever it is, you fight for it. But when the tutors don't choose you for that role or a guy finds your co-star sexier than you, what does it mean? Does it mean they are better than you? At everything? At life? In general? Does this mean that they will succeed in the industry more than you? Can you even act? Are you even good? Or should you maybe just give up? So many questions. How do you get an answer. Well my usual course of action was (and sometimes still is) to self sabotage. Maybe I just wanted to test people to see if they would tell me the truth? Maybe I wanted to see if I could actually suck? Would they notice if I didn't try? So I gave it a go. It turns out yes. If you try to suck you can in fact suck and yes people will notice that you suck. But the main thing I learned from drama school is: you have to think you are awesome. What ever else you learn isn't as important as that. If you let those mean thoughts in, they will consume you and eat you up. The mean thoughts are not an option. The only option is this: I AM AWESOME.
1. Believe you are awesome.
Do what ever it takes to get it into your head. We manifest what we believe. Believing it makes it so.
2. Thou shall not fear.
Don't be afraid of making mistakes. Because awesome people don't really make mistakes. They just discover new ways of doing things that may not be intentional.
3. Tell the voices to shut up.
Hear them. But don't buy into them. Don't follow them down that rabbit hole.
4. Don't give up.
Because awesome people don't. Because they are awesome. Remember 10.000 hours!
Perhaps 'the voices' could be a curse of the creative. Creative people are always putting themselves out there so are always up for scrutiny. It is the creative aspects of what I do in life that cause most of my negative self reflection. As I get older though, I have much more confidence in my abilities and my negativities are more directed at the people that don't seem to see how fucking awesome I am! "I mean what were they thinking not selecting my work? I mean, I'm fucking awesome!" Hooray! I guess this means I am cured! The technique is working!