Now, as an adult, there are still times when I find myself in this predicament. When life gets a bit taxing and I feel like I'm running uphill on an endless treadmill, I start to think: Can't I just be someone else for a bit? Can't I just wake up one morning and discover I'm a bit different. Perhaps to magically be an extrovert who finds it easy chatting to people all day long and feels no social anxiety whatsoever. Someone who thrives on chit-chat and never feels the fight or flight response kick in during the "how are you"s and the "Shame about the weathers" For once I would love to not have my boring old insecurities and fears. I'm so bored of my emotions, my doubts, my constant battle to be 7 kilos lighter. Stuck in a permanent cycle of attempted bettering. ARGH. I am, just a little bit, sick of myself. Instead of being afraid that everyone hates me, perhaps I could be afraid that people are following me down the street! That'd be a nice change. Instead of being afraid of wetas I could be hideously afraid of cats! (seriously though, who could be afraid of cats? they're so puffy).
Sometimes I even think about actually being another person. Just for a day. I'm concious that I am just being someone different for a day, but I am not myself. I am living someone else's life and I am someone different too. It's like a little holiday from my own life. Maybe to be someone from another country; A morning person; a person who likes a top sheet on their bed and makes their bed fresh every morning, just for a change. Perhaps someone who speaks fluent French; Someone who believes in God - like actually thinks he's real; Someone who is good at maths; Or someone who likes shellfish. Oooh or one of those people who can eat cake and never get fat; One of those women who genuinely do not know what you are talking about when you say "I need to wax my bikini line" (you know, hairless bitches). A corporate bitch, a career woman, a Harvard scholar, a cheerleader! Oh the possibilities are endless! Oh just to be someone different for a change!
Imagine if we could take a vacation from ourselves. I guess someone already did. Think of it that is. There is an old school Arnold Schwarzenegger film called Total Recall that touched on this idea; so too a Tom Cruise one called Vanilla Sky; so obviously I am not the only one who has had these odd thoughts. Both films were based on the idea of your mind and body being able to separate themselves allowing your mind to go on a lovely sojourn, where you are not "you" any more. You get to be someone else, though you still look like you. Both of these films didn't end too well for the lead characters though, so perhaps I should just quit while I'm ahead.
Seriously though, a lifetime is a long time to hang out with one person constantly. It's only logical that we'd get sick of our own company. I do find it odd that I can be sick of my company though, (no, not just because I am fantastic!) seeing as I rarely get myself to myself!
I guess considering that we have to be with ourselves all the time, we should try and get on with ourselves. We should be nice, and not give ourselves shit. Perhaps be the person you'd like to hang out with. Love yourself. Don't be a bully. Try not to tell yourself you're not good enough all the time. Personally I get really pissed at myself when I do that. If we have to hang our together all the time, the least we can do is get along. There is no escape! Well, that is until they invent a brain vacation machine a la Vanilla Sky and Total Recall!